Figure out what your core values are
This guide isn’t theory. It’s shaped by years of coaching sessions, real conversations, and the practical shifts that people tested until they found what actually works.
What are values?
Values are the things that matter most to you; the principles you want to live by, even when no one’s watching.
They’re the internal compass behind your decisions, habits, and priorities. But many of us are never actually taught how to name our values or check if our lives reflect them.
Instead, we pick up what we’re supposed to care about from our families, culture, or even social media, and try to build a life around that. Sometimes it works. But often, it leaves us feeling off: like we’re going through the motions or chasing things that don’t actually feel meaningful.
This space is designed to help you pause and get honest with yourself about what actually matters to you.
Start making choices that reflect who you are, not who you’re trying to please.
When you know your values, everything starts to feel more solid. You can stop second-guessing yourself. You can start saying no with more confidence and yes with more clarity. And maybe most importantly? You begin shaping a life that reflects the person you truly want to be, not just a version of you that looks good on paper.
It’s time to build a picture you can return to every time you feel stuck, scattered, or unsure of what’s next.
Step 1: Start with reflecting on what’s important to you
What it feels like to be out of alignment with your values
A few years ago, a client of mine, Jen, had what looked like a great setup: a steady job with good benefits, a growing family, and a house she was proud of. But every Sunday night, she felt this low buzz of dread. Her days were full of meetings, errands, and bedtime routines, and it felt like she was “performing” someone else’s life. She described how she felt as “checked out”. In her words, “I wasn’t unhappy, exactly. Just… disconnected. Like my choices were being made for me.”
It wasn’t until she stopped to reflect that she realized she’d been chasing a version of “success” that didn’t match what she actually valued.
Jen had always valued creativity, independence, and freedom, but her life was built around security, predictability, and external approval. Those weren’t bad things. They just weren’t her things.
That misalignment was quietly draining her every day. Once she named her values, she didn’t quit her job or blow up her life, but she did start making small choices that felt more important to her.
She started blocking time on Friday afternoons to work on a personal writing project, even if it was only for 30 minutes. She stopped volunteering for every committee at work and chose one she actually cared about. She made space for solo hikes on weekends because that was something that had always helped her feel clear and grounded.
None of these changes was huge. But they helped her begin to feel like herself again.
How do you know if you’re living out of alignment with your values?
You can’t always put your finger on it. But it shows up in small ways:
That low-key dread when Monday rolls around (again)
Feeling like you’re busy all the time but not fulfilled
Saying yes when you wish you’d said no
Wondering, “Why did I even agree to this?”
These are signs you might be living by someone else’s values, your parents’, your partner’s, your workplace’s, even society’s general pressure to achieve and please at all costs.
The result? You feel off. Disconnected from your own life. Like you’re walking a path that doesn’t quite fit your feet.
The invisible script you're following
We all grow up learning what's “good” or “right” from the people around us. Be responsible. Work hard. Put others first. Be successful. Be nice.
Those things aren’t bad, but they’re not always conducive to living the way you want to live. Sometimes they’re inherited values. Sometimes they’re survival strategies. And sometimes they’re just habits you’ve never questioned.
Until you do.
When you start to notice what energizes you vs. what drains you, what feels good vs. what feels hollow, that’s when you begin discovering your authentic values. Not the ones you were handed. The ones that fit who you are inside.
Your values are already showing; you just have to look
That child does NOT look ready to sleep.
You already have values. You’ve been living by them in ways you may not even realize. The key is noticing what lights you up and what weighs you down.
If you keep saying yes to things you don’t care about, it might be because your values aren’t clear yet. To you. If you’re constantly torn between what you want to do and what you feel like you should do, there’s probably a values conflict underneath.
This guide is designed to help you spot those conflicts and start figuring out what you actually stand for.
Look backward before moving forward
Before you define your values, it helps to reflect on the life you’ve already lived. Use these questions to start identifying patterns. Don’t edit yourself. Let the first answers come:
Think back to a time you felt truly proud of yourself. What was happening? What were you doing? What mattered to you in that moment?
Recall a moment that made you feel angry or frustrated. What might that say about what you value?
Who do you admire and why? Often, the traits we admire most in others are reflections of values we hold dear.
What drains your energy? What fills your cup? These aren’t just preferences. They’re clues.
Pro tip: Don’t overthink these. Go with gut reactions even if they don’t feel “deep” enough yet. You just need to start noticing what comes up.
Are you ready to make some changes?
Once you see the patterns, it’s hard to unsee them. You might start to notice that a lot of your time and energy is going toward things that don’t line up with what matters most to you.
You don’t have to overhaul your life right away. But if you’re starting to feel like your values deserve more space, that’s your next step.
The next section will help you explore what those values are and how to start living by them.
FREE tool: Glossary of Common Values (PDF)
If you're still not sure what your values are, or you're trying to clarify what a word like “freedom” or “loyalty” actually means to you, start with the free Glossary of Common Values.
You’ll get:
A short, curated list of real values (with plain definitions)
A sorting guide to help you figure out what fits you and what doesn’t
A reflection page to help you write your top values in your own words
Use it to get clearer, faster. Then, start making choices that reflect what you really care about.
Step 2: Set your intention to start using your values in real life
Knowing what matters to you is powerful. But it doesn’t change anything until you do something with it. It’s time to try living by your values.
That doesn’t mean making huge changes or quitting your job tomorrow. It means making small actions that reflect your values in your daily choices. It means checking in before you commit to anything. It means being willing to say, “This doesn’t fit me anymore.”
When values stay theoretical
A lot of people stop at naming their values. They make a nice list, maybe write them in a journal, and then go right back to overcommitting, people-pleasing, or choosing what looks good over what feels right.
The shift happens when you pause and ask yourself:
Does this decision reflect my values?
Is this “yes” aligned or automatic?
Am I proud of the reason I’m doing this?
Living your values doesn’t make life perfect. But it does make you happier.
Try this: A values check-in
Choose one area of your life where things feel a little off. Your schedule. A relationship. A goal that keeps stalling. Then ask yourself:
What values are showing up here, and are they mine?
If your calendar is full of obligations, but none of them energize you, what value is missing?
If you’re exhausted from a project that looked good on paper, what value got overridden?
If you're constantly frustrated in a relationship, what boundary might reflect your values more clearly?
Just start where you are.
Start weaving your values into your day-to-day choices…
This guide is designed to help you live your day-to-day in alignment with your core values.
Resources to help you explore more about values on your own
If you’re the type who likes to research and reflect solo, here are a few resources we trust. These books and tools can help you think more deeply about your values, how you choose them, and how they show up in real life.
Books worth exploring
*The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte
A heart-forward approach to goal-setting that starts with how you want to feel, not just what you want to do. Great if you’re values-curious but emotionally driven.
*Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
Not just for managers. Brené’s work on core values in action is deeply relevant for anyone trying to live more intentionally. There’s even a values list + exercise inside.
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
Blunt but insightful. Manson’s take: if you don’t choose your values, the world chooses for you, and you probably won’t like where it leads.
*The Art of Choosing by Sheena Iyengar
For a deeper dive into how we make choices and why understanding our values is key to making ones we’re happy with.
*Heads-up: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase, at no extra cost to you. I only recommend tools and resources I genuinely believe are helpful. Thank you for supporting the work I do here.
Tools that might help
Brené Brown’s Core Values List
A streamlined list of about 100 values from her “Dare to Lead” work. You’ll probably see some of your top ones here.
Personal Values Assessment by Barrett Values Centre
Free online quiz
A quick tool that gives you insight into your current values and how they relate to your life satisfaction. Use with a grain of salt, but it’s a solid conversation starter.The VIA Character Strengths Survey
Free version at viacharacter.org
This one’s research-backed and widely used in coaching and education. It’ll give you a ranked list of your character strengths, many of which overlap with values.