Figure out what your values are
Start making choices that reflect who you are, not who you’re trying to please.
Values are the things that matter most to you; the principles you want to live by, even when no one’s watching.
They’re the internal compass behind your decisions, habits, and priorities. But many of us are never actually taught how to name our values or check if our lives reflect them.
Instead, we pick up what we’re supposed to care about from our families, culture, or even social media, and try to build a life around that. Sometimes it works. But often, it leaves us feeling off: like we’re going through the motions or chasing things that don’t actually feel meaningful.
This space is designed to help you pause and get honest with yourself about what actually matters to you.
When you know your values, everything starts to feel more solid. You can stop second-guessing yourself. You can start saying no with more confidence and yes with more clarity. And maybe most importantly? You begin shaping a life that reflects the person you truly want to be, not just a version of you that looks good on paper.
It’s time to build a picture you can return to every time you feel stuck, scattered, or unsure of what’s next.
Step 1: Start with reflection
What it feels like to be out of alignment
A few years ago, a client of mine, Jen, had what looked like a great setup: a steady job with good benefits, a growing family, and a house she was proud of. But every Sunday night, she felt this low buzz of dread. Her days were full of meetings, errands, and bedtime routines, but it felt like she was “performing” someone else’s life. She described how she felt as “checked out”. In her words, “I wasn’t unhappy, exactly. Just… disconnected. Like my choices were being made for me.”
It wasn’t until she stopped to reflect that she realized she’d been chasing a version of “success” that didn’t match what she actually valued.
Jen had always valued creativity, independence, and freedom, but her life was built around security, predictability, and external approval. Those weren’t bad things. They just weren’t her things.
That misalignment was quietly draining her every day. Once she named her values, she didn’t quit her job or blow up her life, but she did start making small choices that felt more important to her.
She started blocking time on Friday afternoons to work on a personal writing project, even if it was only for 30 minutes. She stopped volunteering for every committee at work and chose one she actually cared about. She made space for solo hikes on weekends because that was something that had always helped her feel clear and grounded.
None of these changes were huge. But they helped her begin to feel like herself again.
How do you know if you’re out of alignment?
You can’t always put your finger on it. But it shows up in small ways:
That low-key dread when Monday rolls around (again)
Feeling like you’re busy all the time but not fulfilled
Saying yes when you wish you’d said no
Wondering, “Why did I even agree to this?”
These are signs you might be living by someone else’s values, your parents’, your partner’s, your workplace’s, even society’s general pressure to achieve and please at all costs.
The result? You feel off. Disconnected from your own life. Like you’re walking a path that doesn’t quite fit your feet.
Your values are already showing; you just have to look
You already have values. You’ve been living by them in ways you may not even realize. The key is noticing what lights you up, and what weighs you down.
If you keep saying yes to things you don’t care about, it might be because your values aren’t clear yet. To you. If you’re constantly torn between what you want to do and what you feel like you should do, there’s probably a values conflict underneath.
This guide is designed to help you spot those conflicts and start figuring out what you actually stand for.
Look backward before moving forward
Before you define your values, it helps to reflect on the life you’ve already lived. Use these questions to start identifying patterns. Don’t edit yourself. Let the first answers come:
Think back to a time you felt truly proud of yourself. What was happening? What were you doing? What mattered to you in that moment?
Recall a moment that made you feel angry or frustrated. What might that say about what you value?
Who do you admire and why? Often, the traits we admire most in others are reflections of values we hold dear.
What drains your energy? What fills your cup? These aren’t just preferences. They’re clues.
Pro tip: Don’t overthink these. Go with gut reactions even if they don’t feel “deep” enough yet. You just need to start noticing what comes up.
Are you ready to make some changes?
Once you see the patterns, it’s hard to unsee them. You might start to notice that a lot of your time and energy is going toward things that don’t line up with what matters most to you.
You don’t have to overhaul your life right away. But if you’re starting to feel like your values deserve more space, that’s your next step.
The next section will help you explore what those values are and how to start living by them.
The invisible script you're following
We all grow up learning what's “good” or “right” from the people around us. Be responsible. Work hard. Put others first. Be successful. Be nice.
Those things aren’t bad, but they’re not always conducive to living the way you want to live. Sometimes they’re inherited values. Sometimes they’re survival strategies. And sometimes they’re just habits you’ve never questioned.
Until you do.
When you start to notice what energizes you vs. what drains you, what feels good vs. what feels hollow, that’s when you begin discovering your authentic values. Not the ones you were handed. The ones that fit who you are inside.
Step 2: Set your intention
Start using your values in real life
Knowing what matters to you is powerful. But it doesn’t change anything until you do something with it. It’s time to try living by your values.
That doesn’t mean making huge changes or quitting your job tomorrow. It means making small actions that reflect your values in your daily choices. It means checking in before you commit to anything. It means being willing to say, “This doesn’t fit me anymore.”
Try this: A values check-in
Choose one area of your life where things feel a little off. Your schedule. A relationship. A goal that keeps stalling. Then ask yourself:
What values are showing up here, and are they mine?
If your calendar is full of obligations, but none of them energize you, what value is missing?
If you’re exhausted from a project that looked good on paper, what value got overridden?
If you're constantly frustrated in a relationship, what boundary might reflect your values more clearly?
Just start where you are.
FREE tool: Glossary of Common Values (PDF)
If you're still not sure what your values are, or you're trying to clarify what a word like “freedom” or “loyalty” actually means to you, start with the free Glossary of Common Values.
You’ll get:
A short, curated list of real values (with plain definitions)
A sorting guide to help you figure out what fits you and what doesn’t
A reflection page to help you write your top values in your own words
Use it to get clearer, faster. Then, start making choices that reflect what you really care about.
When values stay theoretical
A lot of people stop at naming their values. They make a nice list, maybe write them in a journal, and then go right back to overcommitting, people-pleasing, or choosing what looks good over what feels right.
The shift happens when you pause and ask yourself:
Does this decision reflect my values?
Is this “yes” aligned or automatic?
Am I proud of the reason I’m doing this?
Living your values doesn’t make life perfect. But it does make you happier.