What is intentional living, and why does it matter?

I have only won one game of tic-tac-toe in my lifetime and I’m convinced he let me win. So I married him.

How often have you told yourself you don't have a choice, when what you really meant was that you didn't like any of the options?

Maybe you've said it about a job you can't afford to leave, a responsibility you wish someone else would take on, or a situation you're thoroughly fed up with. You've considered the obvious solutions, decided none of them will work, and resigned yourself to putting up with things as they are.

I get it. Sometimes our options are downright lousy. But there's a difference between having limited choices and having no choices at all. Recognizing that difference can change how you live your life.

That's where intentional living begins.

What does intentional living actually mean?

Intentional living means making conscious choices about how you want to live instead of allowing circumstances, habits, and other people's expectations to make those choices for you.

Think about how much of your life you've built around things you simply assumed you were supposed to do. Maybe you pursued a career because your parents encouraged it, bought a house because that's what successful adults do, or spend every weekend cleaning because you grew up believing a respectable home should always be spotless.

There's nothing wrong with any of those choices, provided they're what you actually want. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself whether they are?

That's the question at the heart of intentional living. Instead of automatically following the path in front of you, you consider where it's taking you and whether that's somewhere you want to go. And if it isn't, you start looking at your options.

How we give away our choices without realizing it

Most of us don't deliberately hand over control of our lives. We get busy, develop routines, take on responsibilities, and gradually stop questioning why we do things the way we do. We say things like "I have to," "I can't," and "That's just the way it is" so often that we begin to believe them.

Imagine you've been offered a promotion at work. Everyone congratulates you, your boss is excited, and your family thinks it's a wonderful opportunity. There's just one problem: You love the work you're doing now, and you have absolutely no interest in managing a team.

But turning down a promotion feels wrong. Aren't you supposed to want to advance in your career?

You could accept the position because it's what's expected of you, or you could recognize that professional success doesn't have to mean climbing the corporate ladder. The promotion is an opportunity, not an obligation.

Of course, we don't always recognize when we're following expectations or routines we've never questioned. We're often too busy getting through the day to consider whether the life we're living is the one we want. That's what living on autopilot looks like, and it's surprisingly easy to do.

Some days I wish I was being guided… sounds… relaxing.

The problem with believing you're powerless

Unquestioned expectations aren't the only things that keep us stuck. Sometimes we become so focused on everything that's wrong with our circumstances that we stop looking for anything we can do about them.

We blame our boss for making us miserable, our family for taking up all our time, or our financial situation for preventing us from enjoying life. We may have perfectly valid reasons to be frustrated, but when we begin believing that everything is someone else's fault and we have no influence over what happens next, we can develop what's commonly called a victim mentality.

Imagine two people who are unhappy at work. Both have difficult bosses, demanding workloads, and financial responsibilities that make quitting unrealistic.

One spends every lunch break complaining about how unfair everything is. They believe nothing will improve unless their boss changes, so they continue showing up, doing the same things, and feeling increasingly resentful.

“You don’t have to be responsible for creating a problem to have some responsibility for deciding how you’ll respond to it.”

The other is just as frustrated but starts exploring their options. Could they transfer to another department, develop skills for a different position, set clearer boundaries around their workload, or start looking for another job?

Neither person can control their boss, and neither has an easy solution. But one is waiting for someone else to change the situation, while the other is considering what they might be able to change themselves.

Having a victim mentality doesn't mean you've never experienced unfair treatment or genuinely difficult circumstances. It means you've developed a habit of seeing yourself as having little or no power to influence what happens next. And that belief can become a barrier in its own right.

You don't have to be responsible for creating a problem to have some responsibility for deciding how you'll respond to it.

Sometimes that response might involve seeking support, protecting yourself, or accepting something you genuinely cannot change. But if you're waiting for your circumstances to improve before you even consider your options, you may be overlooking opportunities to influence your future.

Why does living intentionally matter?

Recognizing your ability to make choices changes how you approach everyday decisions. Instead of automatically doing what's expected or familiar, you begin considering whether those decisions support the life you want.

For example, consider someone who spends every Saturday cleaning the house. By the time they're finished, they're exhausted and frustrated that another weekend is half over. But the house needs cleaning, so what choice do they have?

Well, does every room need to be spotless every weekend? Could other family members take on some of the work? Could they spend an hour cleaning and then go out for lunch with a friend?

Maybe they genuinely prefer a spotless house, and that's fine, too. The important thing is that they've considered their options instead of automatically sacrificing something they want because they've always done things a particular way.

Living intentionally also means recognizing when your priorities change. You might realize that the career you worked so hard to build no longer gives you the satisfaction it once did, or that the expensive vacations you've been saving for aren't nearly as appealing as spending a quiet week at home.

You're allowed to want something different from what you wanted ten years ago. And if you examine your life and decide you're perfectly happy with things exactly as they are, that's an intentional choice, too.

Having choices doesn't mean having easy choices

Of course, recognizing that you have choices doesn't mean ignoring the very real obstacles in your life. Financial pressures, health concerns, and family responsibilities can severely limit your options. Sometimes every available choice comes with a sacrifice, and the best you can do is work toward changing your circumstances over time.

The important thing is to recognize what you can't control without assuming that everything is beyond your control. Even when your options aren't particularly appealing, you can examine them and decide how you want to move forward.

How can you start living more intentionally?

You don't need to sit down and plan your entire future to start living intentionally. Instead, I'd suggest starting with something you've been telling yourself you have no choice about.

Maybe you never have time for your hobbies because you're always taking care of everyone else, feel obligated to attend family gatherings that leave you miserable, or have been putting off exploring a different career because you've convinced yourself you're too old to start over.

Whatever it is, take a few minutes to question the assumptions behind it. Ask yourself:

• Why do I believe I have to do things this way?

• What would I prefer to happen instead?

• What other options might be available, even if they're difficult or inconvenient?

• What's one thing I could do to move toward what I want?

Good for you, taking notes!

Don't dismiss an option simply because it would require effort or someone else might not like it. You can always decide later whether it's worth pursuing.

For example, if you're tired of spending every holiday with relatives you'd rather not visit, you could consider hosting a smaller gathering, alternating which family members you visit, or spending one holiday doing something entirely different.

Not everyone will necessarily be happy with your decision, but their disappointment doesn't automatically mean you've made the wrong one. You get to consider the alternatives and decide which ones make sense for your life.

If you're not sure where you'd like to make changes, our interactive Life Audit can help you examine different areas of your life and identify which ones deserve more of your attention.

It's your life. You get a say in how you live it.

You won't always have control over your circumstances, and you certainly won't always get what you want.

But you can question expectations, reconsider old decisions, explore alternatives, and make choices that better reflect the person you are and the life you want to live.

You can decide that something you've tolerated for years is no longer acceptable. You can recognize that a goal you've been working toward no longer interests you. You can stop doing something simply because you've always done it.

And you can choose to leave things exactly as they are when they genuinely make you happy.

The next time you catch yourself saying, "I don't have a choice," ask yourself whether that's really true.

You might be surprised by what you discover.

Michelle Arseneault is a certified life coach and instructional designer who loves helping women understand why life feels harder than it needs to, and what to do about it.

“I believe small, thoughtful changes usually have a bigger impact than dramatic overhauls. Around here, you'll usually find me exploring the psychology behind everyday life, creating practical tools, or asking questions that help you see things from a new angle.”

You might also like…