When did fun become something we had to earn?

You can have fun and be cold at the same time. Clearly.

I was brushing crumbs off my laptop during yet another working lunch when a thought popped into my head.

When was the last time I did something just because it sounded fun?

Not because it would help me relax. Not because it would improve my health. Not because it would teach me something or make me more productive. Just... because I wanted to.

I couldn't answer the question.

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy fun anymore; I just stopped making room for it. Somewhere along the way, I quietly started treating fun like something I could only get to once everything else was finished.

The trouble is, everything else is never done.

There's always another load of laundry, another email to answer, another errand to run, another thing to fix around the house. If fun has to wait until life settles down, it can end up waiting for years.

Why do adults stop making time for fun?

I don't think this happens because adults stop liking fun. I think it happens because we're rewarded for almost everything except being playful.

As kids, we were encouraged to explore. We made forts out of couch cushions, invented games with rules that changed every five minutes, and spent entire afternoons drawing, pretending, or riding our bikes with nowhere in particular to go. Nobody asked whether it was productive. Nobody wondered if we'd learned a valuable life skill. We were allowed to enjoy ourselves simply because enjoying ourselves was enough.

Then something changed.

We started getting praised for being responsible instead of playful. We learned to be dependable, efficient, organized, and useful. Those are all good qualities, but they quietly crowded something else out. We stopped asking, "What would be fun today?" and started asking, "What still needs to get done?"

I don't think anyone teaches us that lesson outright. It just sneaks in over time.

You work hard in school because your future depends on it. You work hard at your first job because you want to prove yourself. Then come bills, responsibilities, families, homes, appointments, and people who rely on you. Before you know it, your days revolve around meeting expectations, including your own.

When did fun become a reward?

Fun slowly changes from something that's part of everyday life into something that feels like a reward.

I'll have fun this weekend.

I'll have fun after this project.

I'll have fun once things calm down.

Except they rarely do.

One of the questions I ask clients from time to time seems incredibly simple.

I kinda feel guilty for asking them the question!

"So, what do you do for fun?"

You'd be surprised how often the answer is silence.

Not because people don't want to have fun. They do. They just haven't thought about it in so long that they don't know how to answer anymore.

One woman laughed and said, "I don't even know."

She could tell me every appointment on her family's calendar. She knew what everyone needed for supper that week, which bills were due, and what project she was working on next at work. She was incredibly capable.

But when I asked what she enjoyed doing simply because it made her smile, she had nothing.

That conversation has stayed with me because I don't think she's unusual.

I think she's us.

We've become so good at managing life that we've accidentally stopped participating in it.

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Read: Life’s too short to be boring. How to bring more fun into your days

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What happens when there’s no fun in your life?

That's why feeling fun-deprived can be so confusing. It doesn't usually feel like sadness. It feels more like flatness. You scroll through your phone because nothing else sounds appealing. You wander through stores looking for something exciting without knowing what you're hoping to find. You buy supplies for hobbies that seem interesting, then leave them sitting unopened because you're too tired by the time you have a free evening.

Eventually, you start telling yourself you've changed.

"I guess I'm just not a fun person anymore."

I don't believe that's true.

I think the playful part of you has simply gone quiet because it hasn't been invited out in a while.

Why does fun matter for adults?

Interestingly, research has found that creative and playful activities help reduce stress and improve well-being, even when people have no particular talent for them. That makes sense to me. Fun asks something very different of us than responsibility does. It invites us to explore instead of perform. To enjoy instead of achieve. To be present instead of productive.

Maybe that's why it feels so refreshing.

“When did fun become something you had to earn?”

How do you start having fun again?

The good news is that bringing fun back usually doesn’t require a big life change. Most of the time, it’s not about adding something major to your life at all. It’s about giving yourself permission to start small again.

Permission to spend twenty minutes doing something that serves no purpose beyond making you smile. Permission to be a beginner again. Permission to laugh at something ridiculous without wondering whether it's a good use of your time.

One of my friends works in financial compliance. She enjoys her job, but after work she goes to a pottery class because she likes how it feels to switch off and do something just for enjoyment. Another client thought she wasn't a "fun person" at all until she started making up silly bedtime stories for her nieces. A few months later, one of those stories turned into a children's book.

Neither woman was trying to optimize her life.

They were simply making room for a part of themselves that had been waiting patiently for attention.

Maybe that's how we shift back to a person who puts having fun first, instead of just as a reward. Maybe it’s reminding yourself that you're a whole person, not simply the one who answers emails, pays bills, keeps everyone organized, and gets things done.

So let me leave you with the same question that started all of this.

When did fun become something you had to earn?

And more importantly...

Who told you that was true?

Michelle Arseneault is a certified life coach and instructional designer who loves helping women understand why life feels harder than it needs to, and what to do about it.

“I believe small, thoughtful changes usually have a bigger impact than dramatic overhauls. Around here, you'll usually find me exploring the psychology behind everyday life, creating practical tools, or asking questions that help you see things from a new angle.”

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