The selfish side of generosity
That bear looks a lot like my daughter’s childhood best friend, Tedda. Except Tedda still lives on her bed, is missing an eye and an ear, and no longer has any stuffing.
Most conversations about generosity focus on the person receiving the help. We picture the family that now has clean drinking water, the animal that found a safe home, or the student who finally got the support they needed. Those stories matter because they remind us why generosity exists in the first place.
But I think we've overlooked something just as important.
Helping other people changes the giver, too.
In fact, I think that's where some of the greatest benefits of helping others are found. Every act of generosity gives something back to us. It gives us purpose, perspective, and the quiet reminder that we can make a positive difference in someone else's life.
That's why I've come to think of generosity as one of the most wonderfully selfish things we can do.
I don't mean selfish, as in expecting praise or recognition. I mean selfish because helping someone else has a remarkable way of improving our own lives at the same time. We walk away feeling more connected, more hopeful, and often more grounded than we did before.
Why helping others changes us
I've experienced this in my own life.
Every month, I donate to several organizations that matter deeply to me. Some are close to home, like the United Way, the SPCA, and the IWK Children's Hospital in Halifax. Others have a global reach, including Kiva, One Tree Planted, and charity: water. Each one reflects something I care about, whether that's helping families, supporting entrepreneurs, protecting animals, restoring forests, or providing access to clean drinking water.
None of my donations are large enough to solve these problems on their own, and I've never expected them to.
What they do give me is something I didn't anticipate when I first started giving.
Every month, I'm reminded that I'm connected to something bigger than my own problems. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by all the problems in the world, I feel like I'm participating in the solution, even if my contribution is only one small part of it.
That feeling is worth far more than the amount that leaves my bank account.
I suspect that's one of the reasons giving feels so satisfying. It gently shifts our attention away from ourselves and reminds us that our actions still matter.
Giving replaces helplessness with action
Stress has a way of shrinking our world.
When we're overwhelmed, it's easy to spend our days replaying conversations, worrying about the future, or trying to solve problems that aren't actually ours to solve. We become trapped inside our own thoughts, and the more we focus inward, the more powerless we often feel.
Generosity interrupts that cycle.
“I’ve come to believe that the opposite of helplessness isn’t confidence. It’s action.”
Whether we're donating, volunteering, mentoring, or simply helping a neighbour, we're doing something tangible. We're no longer sitting with a problem. We're taking action.
I've come to believe that the opposite of helplessness isn't confidence; it's action.
Every time we help someone else, we're reminded that we have something valuable to contribute. Maybe it's our time. Maybe it's our experience. Maybe it's our money, our encouragement, or simply our willingness to listen.
Whatever we're giving, we're also reminding ourselves that we aren't powerless.
What volunteering taught one client
One coaching client showed me this more clearly than I ever could have learned from a book.
I can’t promise that volunteering will earn you a cool t-shirt but maybe do it anyway.
She loved her adult children fiercely, but they occupied almost every waking thought she had. She worried constantly about the decisions they were making and whether they would be okay. She wasn't trying to control them. She was simply carrying a level of concern that had become emotionally exhausting.
As we talked through what was happening, it became clear that she was pouring enormous amounts of energy into situations she couldn't control. Her love wasn't the problem. It was that all of her emotional energy was flowing into places where she had very little influence.
I asked her whether there was somewhere else she could direct some of that caring energy.
There was a veterinary hospital just a few minutes from her home that relied on volunteers. She decided to give it a try.
It didn't make her stop loving her children or worrying about them entirely. But for a few hours each week, she was focused on animals that needed comfort, staff who appreciated another pair of hands, and work that made an immediate difference.
She finished each volunteer shift feeling useful instead of helpless.
Over time, something else happened. She found herself thinking less about problems she couldn't solve because she was spending part of each week solving problems she could. Her mood improved. She felt more optimistic. She had something meaningful to look forward to.
Eventually, one of her daughters joined her as a volunteer. What began as a way to quiet an anxious mind became something they could share.
I've never forgotten that story because it perfectly captures what I believe generosity does. It changes two lives at once.
“When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
~ Mr. Rogers
Mr. Rogers said that when he was a child and saw scary things in the news, his mother's advice was to 'look for the helpers', because you could always find someone doing something to make the situation better, and that was comforting. And as adults, we get to do one better: we get to be the helpers.
The science behind generosity
As it turns out, this isn't just a feeling.
Researchers have spent years studying the effects of generosity, volunteering, and acts of kindness. While no single act of giving is a cure for stress or unhappiness, the findings are remarkably consistent. People who regularly help others often report greater life satisfaction, stronger social connections, lower stress levels, and a stronger sense of purpose.
That makes sense when you think about it.
Helping someone else reminds us that our actions have meaning. It shifts our focus away from what's going wrong and toward something we can influence. It strengthens our connection to our community and gives us evidence that the world isn't only made up of problems. It's also filled with ordinary people quietly making things a little better every day.
That's a perspective that's difficult to measure, but incredibly valuable to experience.
You don't have to change the world
One of the biggest misconceptions about generosity is that it has to be big for it to make a difference.
It doesn't.
“Generosity doesn’t just change the world around you. It changes the person you become.”
You don't have to start a charity, donate thousands of dollars, or volunteer every weekend. You might spend an afternoon walking dogs at your local shelter. You might mentor a student, help a neighbor with a project they can no longer manage alone, or donate five dollars each month to a cause that means something to you.
The size of the gesture isn't what matters. What matters is choosing to use what you already have, whether that's your time, your skills, your encouragement, or your resources, to make someone else's life a little easier.
Ironically, that's often when your own life becomes a little richer too.
So yes, I still think generosity is selfish, but not because giving is secretly all about us. I think it’s selfish because every act of kindness leaves us with something valuable that can't be measured on a tax receipt or an annual report. It reminds us that we matter, that we can contribute, and that even small actions create ripples we'll probably never get to see.
If that's selfish, I hope none of us ever stop.
Michelle Arseneault is a certified life coach and instructional designer who loves helping women understand why life feels harder than it needs to, and what to do about it.
“I believe small, thoughtful changes usually have a bigger impact than dramatic overhauls. Around here, you'll usually find me exploring the psychology behind everyday life, creating practical tools, or asking questions that help you see things from a new angle.”
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