Clear the mental load: How to deal with what’s bothering you instead of bottling it up
This guide isn’t theory. It’s shaped by years of coaching sessions, real conversations, and the practical shifts that people tested until they found what actually works.
Turn the invisible weight in your head into small, doable actions that bring relief.
Mental load is that invisible weight you carry in your head: the to-dos you haven’t done yet, the awkward conversations you’re avoiding, the tiny messes that keep catching your eye, the reminders you wake up remembering at 3 a.m. None of them is huge on its own, but together they create a constant background hum of stress.
Instead of carrying it all silently, this guide will show you how to name it, sort it, and take one small action that lightens the load right away.
Your starting point:
List ten. Grab a piece of paper or open your notes app. Set a timer for two minutes and write down ten things that are bothering you right now. They can be big (“update my resumé”) or small (“laundry still in the dryer”). Don’t explain, don’t solve, just get them out of your head and onto the page. (Coach note: If it’s taking up space in your brain, it deserves a line on the list. no matter how small.)
Choose one. Look at your list and circle just one thing. Not the biggest or most important; choose the one that would give you the most relief for the least effort. Maybe it’s something you see every day, or something that will only take a few minutes. Your brain will argue for doing them all. Remind yourself: “I’m starting here.” (Think about untangling cords. You don’t pull all of them at once; you pick one, and the rest get easier.)
Make it tiny. Break your one item into the smallest step you can do right now. If your list says “messy kitchen,” your action might be “clear one patch of counter.” If it says “Call mom,” your action could be “Send a text: ‘Thinking of you, will call later this week.’” The smaller you make it, the easier it is to start.
Close the loop. When you finish that micro-step, cross it off. Pause, breathe, and notice the difference. You didn’t fix everything, but you proved you can move something forward. That’s the start of momentum.
Now that you’ve seen the starting framework, here’s where we dig deeper. Below you’ll find a list of common barriers people face when they try to clear their mental load. Read through them and pick the one that feels closest to your situation. That’s your entry point. (You can always come back and explore the others later.)
Click the barrier below that resonates with you the most to jump to that section:
“I feel like I’m carrying too much of the mental load.”
Carrying the mental load feels like dragging around a backpack you never get to put down. Every little thing you need to remember goes into it, like calling the dentist, buying dog food, finishing the work project, and texting your mom back. Your brain doesn’t sort them into big and small, urgent and non-urgent. It just piles everything in together, so a dirty counter can feel just as heavy as a looming deadline.
Part of the weight comes from the constant fear of forgetting. Your brain thinks it’s doing you a favor by keeping everything spinning on repeat: Don’t drop the ball, don’t drop the ball. That’s why worries often come rushing back when you’re trying to fall asleep. Writing things down isn’t just about “making a list.” It’s about telling your brain, “You don’t have to carry this anymore. It’s safe here on the page”. The list becomes the external hard drive, and your brain can finally rest.
And here’s another piece many people overlook: you don’t have to carry it all alone. Sometimes the mental load feels crushing because you’re not just keeping track of your own life, you’re holding everyone else’s too. When you make your list visible, you can also ask, Which of these can I hand off? Sharing the load doesn’t make you weak; it makes the whole system stronger.
A client of mine, a mom in her late 30s, told me, “I feel tired all the time, but I don’t even know why.” She was working full-time, had two young kids, and somehow became the keeper of all family logistics. In her head, she was juggling dentist appointments, daycare pick-ups, grocery lists, work deadlines, social commitments, and so much more. We sat down and wrote her 10-item list together (see below). The moment it was on paper, she let out a deep breath and said, “Oh. That’s why I’m so drained.” She realized she’d been forcing her brain to act like a filing cabinet for the entire household. Once she could see the list, she was able to share some of it with her partner and tackle one small item herself. That shift gave her immediate relief.
Start with these quick wins
Do a one-minute brain dump. Grab a sticky note and write down the very first thing that pops into your head. That’s it.
Why this works: It interrupts the cycle of spinning thoughts and gives your brain proof that the reminder won’t disappear.
Create a “drop zone” page. Keep a notebook or notes app where you can toss anything that crosses your mind. Don’t worry about organizing it yet, just capture it.
Why this works: Your brain relaxes when it knows there’s a trusted place to hold your thoughts.
Share one item. Look at your list and hand one task off to someone else. It might be asking your partner to order the groceries or your teen to fold laundry.
Why this works: When the load is shared, you stop being the default manager of everything. It lightens the backpack for everyone, not just you.
TOOLS AND RESOURCES
Try these guides next:
Build a personalized self-care routine that’s easy to maintain: Create a simple care rhythm that supports a lighter mind.
Declutter your digital life: Quiet the notifications, files, and tabs that add to the mental noise.
“I’m not convinced writing it down will help.”
A lot of people push back on writing things down. It can feel too simple, like, “How is making a list going to fix anything?” But the truth is, your brain isn’t designed to be a filing cabinet. It can hold onto thoughts, but it can’t organize them. That’s why everything feels jumbled together: “Call the doctor” sits right next to “Figure out my life purpose,” and both weigh the same in your head.
When you write something down, you take it out of the swirl and give it a home. Suddenly, the problem shifts from an endless thought loop into a concrete line on paper. This doesn’t solve the issue by itself, but it changes how your brain relates to it. Instead of “Don’t forget, don’t forget, don’t forget,” your brain says, “Oh, it’s safe. I can let go now.” And that frees up energy to actually do something about it.
One client, a college student, came to me saying, “I’m not really stressed, I just feel scattered.” She swore she had a dozen different problems, all competing for her attention. We wrote her list together, and something clicked. Three of her “problems” turned out to be the same thing written three different ways: “The kitchen is messy,” “The dishes aren’t done,” and “The counter is cluttered.” On paper, it became one clear task instead of three overwhelming ones. She laughed and said, “I kept saying I had twelve different problems, but when we wrote them down, three of them were basically the same thing: ‘the kitchen is messy,’ ‘the counter is cluttered,’ and ‘the dishes aren’t done.’ I had to laugh. No wonder I felt so stressed. I was counting the same problem three times.” Writing it down didn’t solve the kitchen mess, but it instantly shrank the load in her head.
Start with these quick wins
Write down just one thing. Don’t commit to making a full list if that feels overwhelming in and of itself. Just write down the first worry that comes to mind.
Why this works: It gives you proof that the act of writing immediately softens the pressure, even with one item.
Use sticky notes. Write each worry on its own sticky and spread them out on a table.
Why this works: When you can physically move and group them, your brain sees patterns instead of chaos.
Try a “future self” note. Write one worry on paper, then add a line: “Don’t worry, I’ve got this handled tomorrow.”
Why this works: It reassures your brain that the problem isn’t lost; now it’s scheduled.
TOOLS AND RESOURCES
Books worth exploring:
*Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Leah Ruppanner PhD: If you want more strategies for lightening the load, Drained is a solid next read. It walks you through how to reassign, remove, or manage what you carry so it doesn’t drain you.
*Heads-up: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase, at no extra cost to you. I only recommend tools and resources I genuinely believe are helpful. Thank you for supporting the work I do here.
Try these guides next:
Design your best life: life audit: Use our free life audit to see the big picture before you choose your next step.
Get a handle on your spending: If money worries dominate your list, start here.
“I get overwhelmed when I try to fix everything.”
One of the biggest traps with the mental load is the urge to fix it all at once. You finally get your list down on paper, and your brain immediately says, “Okay, let’s knock out all ten today.” That urge comes from a good place: you want relief, but it backfires. Trying to take on the entire pile is like grabbing every cord in a tangled drawer and yanking. You don’t make progress; you just tighten the knot.
The way through is to focus. Choose one item and let the rest wait. Think of it like untangling: you start with one cord, free it, and suddenly the others loosen. This is how momentum builds. By shrinking your effort to one thing, you’re not ignoring the rest; you’re proving to yourself that progress is possible.
One of my clients, a dad in his 40s, told me he felt paralyzed by how much was on his plate: home repairs, bills, work deadlines, kids’ activities, etc. When he wrote his list, he circled “overdue phone bill” because it felt small but was nagging him. He logged in right away, paid it, and within ten minutes, the tightness in his chest eased. He said, “Honestly, I thought I had to deal with everything: repairs, bills, the kids’ stuff, all at once. But I just circled ‘pay the phone bill,’ and it took ten minutes. When I finished, I felt this weird relief. Like, okay, I can do this. I don’t have to solve my whole life in a day.” The list didn’t disappear, but the weight shifted because he proved he could move one rock.
Start with these quick wins
Circle just one. Look at your list and draw a circle around one item. Try to make it the one that will give you the most relief for the least effort.
Why this works: Making a decision shrinks overwhelm and builds focus.
Say it out loud. “The rest can wait until tomorrow.”
Why this works: Giving yourself permission releases guilt and keeps you from trying to do it all.
Celebrate one micro-finish. When you complete that one item, cross it off and pause for 30 seconds to notice the relief.
Why this works: Reinforcing success tells your brain that focusing pays off.
TOOLS AND RESOURCES
Try these guides next:
Create a healthy work-life balance: Set boundaries and routines so everything doesn’t land on you.
Talk to your adult child about the future without fighting: If your “overwhelm” is people-related, this gives you scripts and structure.
“I don’t know what action to take.”
It’s common to stare at your list and freeze. You know what’s bothering you, but when it comes to doing something about it, your mind goes blank. The mistake most people make is thinking “action” means solving the whole problem in one go. Often, that’s way too heavy. The trick is to shrink the task into the smallest doable step, what I call a micro-action.
Micro-actions don’t look impressive on paper. They might be as simple as sending one text, clearing one corner of a counter, scheduling a time to make a call, or opening a website to check a balance. But they matter because they shift you out of stuck mode. Once you’ve taken even a tiny action, your brain gets a jolt of relief: “I did something.” That’s how momentum starts.
A past client of mine, a woman in her early 30s, told me her messy office was haunting her. Every time she thought about tackling it, she pictured hours of work and felt defeated before she started. So, we picked one micro-action: shred the pile of old bills sitting on the desk. It took her 15 minutes. When we checked in, she laughed and said, “It still looks messy, but it feels less impossible.” That small step broke the freeze and gave her confidence to keep going.
Start with these quick wins
Send one short text. Reach out to the person you’ve been avoiding with a single line: “Thinking of you, will call later this week.”
Why this works: Closing an open loop lifts an invisible weight.
Clear one surface. Tidy a single counter, nightstand, or coffee table.
Why this works: Visual clarity signals calm to your brain.
Delete one unused app. Pick a phone app you never touch and remove it.
Why this works: Each bit of digital clutter you clear reduces background noise.
TOOLS AND RESOURCES
Books worth exploring:
*Mind management, not time management by David Kadavy: Introducing a new approach to productivity. Instead of struggling to get more out of your time, start effortlessly getting more out of your mind. The focus is on clearing your internal landscape so you can actually see the next move.
*Heads-up: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase, at no extra cost to you. I only recommend tools and resources I genuinely believe are helpful. Thank you for supporting the work I do here.
“I’m not sure small steps will make a difference.”
When your list feels huge, it’s natural to think, “What’s the point of doing something small?” If the mountain is big, moving one pebble can feel useless. But here’s the truth: change rarely comes from massive one-time pushes; it comes from steady, repeatable steps.
Think of it like pushing a swing. The first push doesn’t get it high, but it starts the motion. Each small push adds up until the swing is flying. Your mental load works the same way. Every time you cross off a small action, you reduce the weight a little and train your brain to believe, “I can make progress.” Over time, that belief is what changes everything.
One of my clients, a mom of three, constantly felt behind on housework. She doubted that small steps would help, because the mess always came back. I asked her to try clearing just the kitchen sink every night before bed. After a week, she admitted, “I didn’t think it would matter, but waking up to an empty sink just makes the morning feel lighter. Instead of starting the day already behind, I actually feel like I’m a bit more on top of things.” That one habit gave her energy to add another step later, setting out school lunches at night. The sink didn’t solve everything, but it created the momentum she needed.
Start with these quick wins
Pick your smallest pebble. Choose the tiniest task on your list and do it right now. Yes. Right now. I’ll wait.
Why this works: You teach your brain that taking action, no matter how small, changes how you feel.
Notice the shift. After finishing, pause for 30 seconds. Ask yourself: Does this feel lighter?
Why this works: Awareness reinforces that the small step did matter.
Plan to repeat it tomorrow. Commit to one more pebble tomorrow.
Why this works: Small, steady action builds a rhythm that compounds over time.
TOOLS AND RESOURCES
Books worth exploring:
*Feel-Good Productivity: How to Do More of What Matters to You by Ali Abdaal: If you resist tiny actions because they seem insignificant, you’ll love Feel-Good Productivity. It helps you reclaim momentum by doing less, but doing what matters.
*Heads-up: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase, at no extra cost to you. I only recommend tools and resources I genuinely believe are helpful. Thank you for supporting the work I do here.
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You don’t have to keep carrying the mental load alone or all in your head. Writing it down, circling one thing, and taking a single step is enough to shift the weight. Each time you prove to yourself that you can move one piece, the rest feels lighter.
Remember:
Your list doesn’t need to be perfect.
You don’t have to fix everything today.
The smallest step is still a real step forward.
FAQ: Clear the mental load
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The mental load is all the invisible tasks and reminders you carry in your head, like remembering appointments, managing household details, or worrying about unfinished work. Even small things add up and feel heavy when you’re holding them all at once.
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Your brain isn’t built to store endless details. When you write things down, you give your thoughts a home outside your head. This frees up mental space and makes it easier to see what really needs your attention.
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Look for the one thing that would give you the most relief for the least effort. Circle it, do a small step toward it, and let the rest wait until tomorrow. That’s how you build momentum without overwhelm.
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That’s the point. You don’t have to. The goal isn’t to clear your entire list in a day, but to prove you can move one thing. Over time, those small wins add up to big change.
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Yes. Just like pushing a swing, small consistent actions create movement. Each time you complete one small step, you feel lighter and more in control and that feeling builds over time.
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